Questions that change everything: the way of coaching

I am naturally curious (and hopefully not viewed as nosey!) and use inquiry as a tool for exploring and learning. I see questions as the layers covering the root of something — the truth or reality of it. Each question can remove a layer until the object is revealed. Importantly, asking the right questions matters. In my work, I have the blessing of walking alongside others in their trials and their triumphs. Identifying opportunities as well as weaknesses and threats is vital to moving from trial to triumph. This involves examining and naming each element that shows up. As I have engaged with others in these moments, I’ve often observed that facing the difficult, uncomfortable and revealing was met with avoidance, rationalization or defensiveness, which kept them stuck in the very place they stated they wanted to move from. The layers at work. Time for good questions. Time for a coaching session.

I am an executive and life coach currently pursuing certification through the International Coaching Federation. I believe coaching is a valuable tool as it is focused on helping people and organizations reach their goals. In coaching, the emphasis is on the clients exploring themselves, their values, beliefs and positions and how these might affect attaining their goals; it’s about walking with the clients as they become their future desired selves.

Asking questions like, “What is required of you to become…?” is an inquiry that helps explore the clients’ presence and role in relation to the goal. Exploring how they show up daily provides a lens into the story they have created about the goals (of which they may or may not be aware) they are working toward through their actions or inaction.

We’ve all probably heard, “You can’t give what you don’t have.” Well, I like to say, “You can’t be what you don’t practice.” Coaching is intentional and specific to the clients. It helps them uncover what may be impeding them from attaining their end goal and formulates a plan that moves them through any impediments to their goal. This takes practice. It also takes courage because the practice is often hard.

Courage is required from the coach to ask questions that may evoke discomfort, and courage is required from the client to be vulnerable and honest so they can move closer to that future point as revelations surface in the coaching process. As hindrances are uncovered, the client has a choice whether to confront them or not. In this context, we are coaching the person, not the issue. After all, an issue or situation may never change. What can change is how the client approaches and engages that issue. Courage is the vehicle used in the coaching process to help clients take ownership of their story and write or rewrite it according to their desired endpoint.

How do I know this to be true? Because I have been in this very place. Coaching has challenged and inspired me to rewrite my own story by naming and removing barriers that I erected in pursuit of my goals. And it certainly has taken practice and courage to peel back layers I didn’t realize were there.

I have received peer coaching from colleagues, and it has been honest, thought-provoking and strengthening because I know they have my interests and goals in mind as they listen and ask me strong questions. Remember: the questions matter.

Their questions caused me to look at myself, peel off a layer and reveal something closer to the root of who I am. And while there is often discomfort, it lasts as long as I allow it. I choose whether and when to move from discomfort to mental and emotional ease. That’s powerful to say out loud and even more powerful to do. My peer coaches help me remember the power I have within me by asking questions that cause me to examine what I truly believe about myself versus what my behavior and words say — a strong mirror! They reflect my words and give notice to my nonverbals, which can be startling and revealing at the same time.

Coaching reminds me that the way to my goals is inside me, which strengthens my confidence and my resolve — and I am grateful. The right questions combined with courage can create incredible change.

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Questions that change everything: the way of coaching

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